WHY DO I STAY IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS?
Batoul Khalifeh 
2022-09-12 🗀 Motherhood, 20 minutes
The ironic truth about toxic relationships is that you don’t realize you’re in one of them until you’re actually in one of them. strange is it not?
We all know what a toxic relationship looks like. We can all advise our friends if they’re in one themselves. We all agree with the posts we see online. But when it comes to our own lives we don’t see the warning signs and we end up staying in relationships that are clearly toxic. Abusive and toxic relationships are something quite puzzling to the outsider. Especially When the abuse is so evident, that you may really start wondering, why would someone hopelessly stay?
We all know what a toxic relationship looks like. We can all advise our friends if they’re in one themselves. We all agree with the posts we see online. But when it comes to our own lives we don’t see the warning signs and we end up staying in relationships that are clearly toxic. Abusive and toxic relationships are something quite puzzling to the outsider. Especially When the abuse is so evident, that you may really start wondering, why would someone hopelessly stay?
Despite the severe pain women, subjected to emotional abuse and other forms of domestic violence, experience on a daily basis, we all know (or have been) at least one of many who chooses to remain in toxic relationships for years, if not decades. There are a variety of complicated reasons for which women feel trapped in the cycle of abuse, overwhelmed by the swirling, often conflicting, emotions their manipulative and controlling abusers use to keep them hooked, damaging their physical and mental health in unspeakable ways.
What fuels relationships?
Obviously, initial chemistry is the spark that fuels a relationship, but that spark doesn’t always ignite for all the right reasons. Attraction is, to many of us, a mystery. How is it that qualities that led us to a person in the first place, can later repel us so strongly and lead to problems down the line? How does that cool confidence that once made us swoon, turn into the soul-crushing aloofness that distances us from a loved one?
Why do we stay in toxic relationships?
You may try to explain it with logic and even convince the victim of abuse that it is completely incomprehensible that they still stay in a relationship that is so obviously flawed and damaging to their self-worth, emotional well-being and even physical health at times- especially when physical abuse is also involved. Yet there are many fundamental reasons that make someone want to stay in a bad relationship- a relationship that is damaging and unhealthy.
One of our most essential needs as human beings is to love and be loved. Since we are wired for relationships from the moment we enter the world, one would think it would be easy to pick partners that suit us well. But the truth is, many people repeatedly pick the wrong partner and end up feeling unhappy (and perhaps utterly pained) in their relationship. For some, it’s easy to walk away from a relationship when it’s not right but for others, not so easy, especially when attachment has been built. Many people stay in relationships and are even aware of their unhappiness as they know deep down that their partner is not the right one.
That’s why, two of the common relationship questions we frequently hear : “Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner?” and “Why do I stay in relationships that make me unhappy?” These are important and complex questions that can only be answered when we take a hard look at ourselves. There are multiple reasons that motivate how we choose our partners and why we stay in dead-end relationships—some of these reasons are conscious while others are unconscious. In order to understand what motivates our choices, we have to be willing to work on ourselves and build awareness around our patterns.
That’s why, two of the common relationship questions we frequently hear : “Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner?” and “Why do I stay in relationships that make me unhappy?” These are important and complex questions that can only be answered when we take a hard look at ourselves. There are multiple reasons that motivate how we choose our partners and why we stay in dead-end relationships—some of these reasons are conscious while others are unconscious. In order to understand what motivates our choices, we have to be willing to work on ourselves and build awareness around our patterns.
One of our most essential needs as human beings is to love and be loved. Since we are wired for relationships from the moment we enter the world, one would think it would be easy to pick partners that suit us well. But the truth is, many people repeatedly pick the wrong partner and end up feeling unhappy (and perhaps utterly pained) in their relationship. For some, it’s easy to walk away from a relationship when it’s not right but for others, not so easy, especially when attachment has been built. Many people stay in relationships and are even aware of their unhappiness as they know deep down that their partner is not the right one.
That’s why, two of the common relationship questions we frequently hear : “Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner?” and “Why do I stay in relationships that make me unhappy?” These are important and complex questions that can only be answered when we take a hard look at ourselves. There are multiple reasons that motivate how we choose our partners and why we stay in dead-end relationships—some of these reasons are conscious while others are unconscious. In order to understand what motivates our choices, we have to be willing to work on ourselves and build awareness around our patterns.
That’s why, two of the common relationship questions we frequently hear : “Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner?” and “Why do I stay in relationships that make me unhappy?” These are important and complex questions that can only be answered when we take a hard look at ourselves. There are multiple reasons that motivate how we choose our partners and why we stay in dead-end relationships—some of these reasons are conscious while others are unconscious. In order to understand what motivates our choices, we have to be willing to work on ourselves and build awareness around our patterns.
Have you ever made choices out of fear? deciding whether or not to ask your boss for a raise, confronting someone you feel angry at, and, the most common one, staying in a depreciating relationship that is harming you on all levels … Fear is one of the worst decision-makers when it comes to choosing a partner. As instant gratification seekers, we just thrive on the fantasy of the sparkly life experiences —the grand engagement, wedding, a house, and babies or just an escape of the situation we’re living; without thinking of the real consequences we are committing to.
Fear tells us that we better lock a partner down fast or we may be alone forever. It causes us to obsess and sends us the message that it’s too late to break up and start over. In our culture, no one wants to be the last single friend or the really old parent, or be judged for still being single. However, what we should fear most is spending the rest of our lives unhappy with the wrong person. One solution to working with fear is to lean into it, as uncomfortable as it might sound, by being real with ourselves about how we feel in our relationship right now. If you are aware that you are with your partner because you are afraid to leave (for whatever reason), start being aware of the fact that you are choosing to be unhappy now because you are afraid to be unhappy later.
Now ask yourself, do you think you are worthy enough of having a good life? Do you value yourself much, to the point that you would handle the short term pain to eventually get what you truly deserve? If you think you do but you’re not taking the right steps, then it makes sense why you may keep on getting involved with people who underestimate you and manipulate you the way they do. Do you believe you won’t get anyone better anyway, or that you are maybe doomed with bad relationships’ luck? Studies suggest that always choosing the wrong partner goes back to the probability that you have a low self-value and a low self-esteem that causes you to unconsciously sabotage yourself and think that you are not
worthy of love or that you simply haven’t seen a real healthy example of relationships to know how to choose yours.
These are some of the most common reasons why ladies continue to bear what is intolerable in a relationship. Everyone could confirm that you are smart and pretty enough to find a person who truly loves and respects you the way you deserve, yet your own self does not believe it due to the fact that you hugely lack self-confidence about your own image and potential.
This belief reflects impaired judgment skills and low self-esteem since fear prevents you from staying alone. Not only that, but you also deprive yourself of the opportunity to meet someone who is actually good for you.
This belief reflects impaired judgment skills and low self-esteem since fear prevents you from staying alone. Not only that, but you also deprive yourself of the opportunity to meet someone who is actually good for you.
If that’s the case for you, remember that the only person you can really change is Yourself. It is not your responsibility nor your obligation to help anyone else change, especially when they treat you wrongly and constantly make you feel devalued.
To add, maintaining a toxic relationship under the common, horribly used excuse, and using the sake of the children as a reason to stay, is actually a huge damage for those kids as it prepares them to go into toxic unhealthy relationships when they grow up. So, if you are staying for the sanity of your children, be aware that you, as their parent, give them vivid examples of what love is supposed to look like. You are therefore teaching them that it is preferable to endure pain and abuse instead of letting go and walking away.
To add, maintaining a toxic relationship under the common, horribly used excuse, and using the sake of the children as a reason to stay, is actually a huge damage for those kids as it prepares them to go into toxic unhealthy relationships when they grow up. So, if you are staying for the sanity of your children, be aware that you, as their parent, give them vivid examples of what love is supposed to look like. You are therefore teaching them that it is preferable to endure pain and abuse instead of letting go and walking away.
We conclude by saying that Society gives us terrible advices regarding the ways of choosing a life-partner. We are encouraged to rely on fate, to trust our own gut, and to hope for the best. We’re bombarded with images on social media that make us feel behind in life. We are indoctrinated with the belief that we have to find a life partner before we become “too old”
Yet, While it’s true that pressure is abundant, remember, this is the life we are talking about.
Bad relations can happen to anyone yet it’s never too late to move on and restart building your life the best ways you deserve!